is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
