You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
