I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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