my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
