tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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