Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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