If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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