you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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