I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
