Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
