you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
