She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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