Tell her she can't have a vagina
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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