The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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