I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
