Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
