Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
