i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
