Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
