happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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