How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
