Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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