He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
