she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
