Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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