one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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