I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
