hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
