and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
