dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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