Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
