we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
