Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm getting married
To pizza
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
