So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
