Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
