I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
