Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
