I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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