i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
