I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
