He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
