I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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