Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
