sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
