She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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