i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
