Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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