I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
