what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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