i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
